I do not Even Want to Lactate
Once upon a time I had a friend named Liam who liked to make people chuckle. He moved from Seattle in the middle of the year and our first impression of him was him talking about big, black booties. He enjoyed drawing narwhals and bringing little plastic dinosaurs to school. Those little guys got Liam and I started on making up completely random stories about dinosaurs coming back to life and eating everything in site. I think part of Liam thought he was a farmer because he always seemed to have a toothpick in his mouth, which got guys at my school started on a weird phase. Liam was a rather odd, yet loveable human being. He had many friends.
Kira, Kira, Kira, she is something else. She is the apple of my eye, the pop to my tart, and so on. She has an awesome sense of humor that is about as dry as dried mangos. She is very sarcastic which sometimes confuses me very much. Let me just tell you some things about her grandma: she is so cute! She is very short and has that curly, short, Grandma hair. Kira is white and when I say white I mean whiter than me and that, my friends, is a very brave thing to accomplish. Kira was Liam’s best friend.
Talking about Liam and talking about Kira only makes me want to talk about Sam. Sam is one of the most intriguing people I know. She has a very amazing mommy whom of which has hair that looks like Tap Raman. Sam enjoys wearing sweaters to school and one day she came to school dressed like a beach ball. She has the best stories about People Tipping and Wal-Mart* lurking. Liam, Kira, and Sam were kind of like ‘The Trio’ and I love all of them.
One fine day of freshman year all of the upper-class men were at some sort of conference thing, like the losers that they all are, and the freshman were stuck to do PE testing. That testing was not fun, not fun at all. It was all the girls with the sweaty, smelly dudes. We were left to do a torturous task. The only things I really remember clearly from that day were the sit-ups, checking our BMI, and then of course the mile. That mile is when things became interesting. I finished mine so I started to walk with Kira, Liam, and Sam while Liam was drinking a Rockstar Energy Drink blasting gangster rap from his telephone. That was finally over so we walked back to school and were left to eat an entire bag of the big Chex Mix and basically just hang out.
Our choice of places o chill was in our English Teacher, Fish’s, room. We were sitting there; Liam, Kira, and Sam on one side of the classroom and me with my other friends on the completely opposite side. All of the sudden everything got really quiet just as Kira and Sam established a poking war on Liam’s body. It got carried away enough for Sam to stop, but Kira was left fondling Liam’s boobies. All to be heard throughout the class was:
“No, Kira, Kira NO NO NO… I don’t even want to lactate!”
No one understood why I happened to think it was so funny, but oh, I did. I laughed so hard that tears where running down my face. That is a memory out of many that happened in Fish’s room that I will never forget.
That moment, that day, that year, along with Liam, is long gone. I feel kind of betrayed that my dinosaur story, Narwhal drawing, big booty talking, toothpick chewing, Liamonster is gone. He left us to go back to Seattle never to be seen again. As for Sam, Kira, and me, we are still here to remember and quote that story for forever and two days. They all lived happily ever after… except for Liam. He got eaten by a dinosaur in Seattle.
Based on a true story
